This year I will be mostly giving up my husband for Lent

As a Catholic I am, as ever, readily prepared for the celebration of Jesus sacrifice on the cross this Easter time.

I have spent years trying to emphasise to Mr Bean the importance of certain religious celebrations and the personal impact these have on me albeit for very small lengths of time in comparison. These impacts are mostly centred around attending mass (especially on the important days themselves), teaching our children the real meanings of Christmas and Easter and not just throwing gifts and chocolate eggs at them in an effort to turn them into spoilt, sugar overdosed, expectant little arseholes.

So far so good yea?

In my efforts, I have encouraged Mr Bean (not catholic, baptised CofE but very non practising) towards decisions of baptising our children into the Catholic faith. The pros have gone along the lines of teaching our children christian morals; which we both believe in, enrolling them into the (quite large) catholic community in our local area, sending them to the school at the bottom of our road (which is a catholic school, is walkable from my home and just so happens to have a very good ofsted report) and in the least part, satisfying my family who are devout.

Now I am not a devout catholic. Far from it. I am a divorcee now remarried to start with.

I have faith, but I do not believe in all the contradictions or the self-flagellation. My belief is not of consequence here. This is not a religious rant and I hope won't open endless religious debate as these can often be messy, argumentative and, to be honest, they start wars!

Anyway, back to the subject in question. Lent. Not my favourite time of year I must admit. Celebrating the brutal murder of anyone is quite harrowing to say the least. I try and focus on the more positive elements of the christian tradition and "the light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak.

• prayer (justice towards God),
• fasting (justice towards self),
• and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour).

Now, I do tend to give up a vice during Lent. Chocolate and wine have been firm favourites of mine over years gone by. This year I will be giving up sugary drinks and sweets. Largly due to the fact that I will have to part with a lot of money at the dentist and feel that this investments is worth more than monetary sacrifice on my part.

Oh and 'll also be giving up my husband, who has Call of Duty Black Ops who this evening told me to "hurry up and watch EastEnders, as (his work colleague) is only online til 9 o'clock and then he can't play cos his GF's coming over"

Not really much of a hardship that one (if he's going to speak to me like that!) but sacrifice I must!

Other things I am giving up include:

• trying to lose weight
• my gym membership
• and shouting from one area of the house to another (the children are encouraged to try this also)

Too Nice?

I am truly beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as being too nice. I mean, is there a fine line of niceness that gets crossed and you start to seriously offend people?

As most of you know I am a busy mum of 3. I run 3 small businesses. I have a home to maintain as well as a multitude of pets to look after. Yet, I still volunteer to help charities. I find time in my hectic life to try and help others who are less fortunate than I or who just really need the help (like one of the charity's whose committee board I have sat on for the last 2 years).

Recently, it has been noticed that I am receiving the cold shoulder from more than one person it seems and from more than one avenue.

To give you a scenario, I have noticed other mum's deliberately ignoring me, be it in person in the collection area at school or online in the various social networking arenas.

Most recently members of the charity that I assist by being their Treasurer have started to act really hostile towards me.

I really hope I am being paranoid and not totally blind and having missed something but I don't understand what the problem is? I have always been nothing but nice, I haven't bitched in their presence and I have gone above and beyond to help these people out. So why am I at the butt of all the snidey comments, shitty emails and dirty looks all of a sudden.

This pattern seems to have followed a slight trend throughout my life. At school it was the same, kids would be my friend one day and then hate me the next, spread nasty rumours about me and gossip about me behind my back. I seem to have fought this battle for the whole of my forever.

Don't get me wrong. I am not perfect. I do bitch (mainly about my husband, but then so does everyone), I don't gossip, I keep my friends secrets, I work really hard at being the best I possibly can at whatever it is that I am trying to achieve. I work, live, breathe and love my children as they are my biggest success story and my legacy. I never ask for thanks for anything I do or any assistance that I give. I am always the friend that is there in times of need. I listen and advise but only if people want it. I help out as much as I can with anything anyone asks of me and I try not to be selfish. The one thing I totally crap at is being a domestic goddess (I am notoriously rubbish with housework) but I do my best and to be honest the only person this offends is my "son of a control freak" husband.

I really try my hardest to live my life with an attitude of treating others how I wish to be treated. By simply being nice.

As I approach my 30th birthday this year, (a milestone for me but not necessarily for others,) I find myself questioning who I actually am. Why is it that I get treated so appallingly for trying to be a good person?
The only conclusion I can find is that I am just too nice. Would you agree? Does anyone else out there experience life like I seem to? Am I just being paranoid? What can I do to change this pattern?

Silent Sunday

It really doesn't get more silent than this!

Men are from Mars...

How is it that when a man and a woman decide to have a child together it is only the woman that changes her priorities?

I'm absolutely sick to death of my husbands attitude to all things family orientated!

The most irritating of all being that he seems incapable of taking charge of any of the children for any length of time yet it is perfectly feasible for me to look after all 3 of them from Monday through Friday from the moment they wake up until they collapse into bed of an evening and then (and only then!) do I get to start on my work.

You see I am self employed. I have my own business which comprises of 3 incomes. I also volunteer  for the catholic preschool which my children all attend, have attended or will attend. Obviously having three children going through it over a period of many years I felt it would be charitable of me to give something back.

The work to which I refer to above that begins after the children hit slumber land actually refers to the running of the house; with 3 children under 4 they require constant supervision, entertainment, feeding, attention throughout the day.

What really pisses me off is that my husband then see's fit to come home and moan that he might have to put a dishwasher load on!

I mean it's really not a lot to ask is it?

How come also is it ok for him to deposit various item's of dirty washing wherever he feels is acceptable yet we strive to teach our offspring where is the correct place to put their dirty clothes to assist mummy in being able to do the wash/dry/iron/hanging up with smooth efficiency. Surely we should be practicing what we preach?

Yet, all the blue jobs in the house like emptying bin, gardening, decorating, DIY, dog walking can be left until he sees fit to actually get off his arse to do it.

I don't mean to be funny, but, if I am expected to raise 3 kids, run a whole house, bring in 3 incomes (that equal his sole income!) why the fuck does he get a night off for a Christmas drink with his mates but I don't?

Sexual equality, yea right.

sound advice!

The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result. Unfortunately no one is going to change things for you - you have to choose your life sweetheart. Make some choices for YOU, your HEALTH and your HAPPINESS. Life is not about working yourself into the ground (or into hospital from stress) life is about living and laughing and being happy and enjoying yourself .... when did you do any of that lately? I love you xx

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling 5 balls in the air - work, family, health, friends and spirit. Work is a rubber ball - if you drop it , it will bounce back. But the other 4 balls - family, health, friends, spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same."

Ghost of Christmas past...

Right. Here I go being a complete selfish bitch again!

A (very) long time ago I was in a (forbidden) relationship (marriage) to my ex. We were totally wrong for each other in so many ways. All celebrations came and went with very little thought going into my gifts yet somehow he always managed to get them right.

Absolutely spot on. Every time (irritatingly).

I really do not think of him much often but we were together for 7 years so he has left an imprint on my life and my relationship abilities.

He never failed to surprise me when it came to gifts. They ranged from the extravagant (jewelery, holidays and the like) to the small (intimate details were never overlooked, my favourite perfume that I was running out of, new underwear, another addition to my Winnie the Pooh collection etc etc. the list goes on.)

Anyway. Due to (oh soooo) many reasons. We parted company.

Ever since I have never met another male who has been able to match his gift buying abilities.

I question whether Mr Ex was particularly good at buying gifts for me to make up for his complete balls up in every other capacity in our relationship. Alas, I digress.

With Christmas coming I have been very careful to detail to my (crap at buying gifts) husband EXACTLY what I would like to unwrap come the big day. I know we don't have a lot of money and I have explicitly explained that I only expect to receive the one gift from him and the children as a collective. I even emailed him the link to the website that sells them. Not because I am totally unreasonable, ungrateful for any other gift he may buy, but because it is something that I really need. Something that I would have liked a long time ago, however it is a replacement to something I have already had and I have been patient and waited until my old one is dying a slow death. Overall, I have learnt my lesson. Hints just do not work...!

Last night, my husband made a big deal about borrowing my laptop and ordering me a gift from him. (So I already know that he hasn't listened.) I hoped that perhaps he had been super diligent and found them cheaper elsewhere or got a good deal or maybe even had a secret stash of money that I hadn't known about and could afford to buy me more than one gift. He was pleased as punch with himself. He is the man that runs out on my birthday to pick up a card and a gift (if I'm lucky!) and the guy that is frantically buying whatever is left for Christmas or Mothering Sunday. I even can't remember the last time he bought me a Valentines card.

I have just discovered what he has bought me. (My hubby is RUBBISH at keeping secrets and has dropped hints all over the place. He also stupidly ordered it on my amazon account and they sent me a confirmation email....Had I not purchased items from them which I am waiting delivery I probably would not have opened the email. School boy error.)

Regardless...

My hubby has bought me something that I really do not want. We had a conversation about the item last Christmas and I explained my reasons for not wanting one quite explicitly.

I can almost understand the logic behind him purchasing one of these for me:

He knows how much I love to read. However, when I explained last year my reasons for not wanting one, I thought I had been quite specific. I love the touch, smell and feel of a real book.

I admit I don't like surprises, for this specific reason; I don't like to disappoint the person who has given the gift. Especially when they will be jumping around like a puppy, giddy with enthusiasm at the anticipation.

He is the gadget man. He has the iPhone, iPhone4, several iPods, BluRay players, HMDI TV, Wii, laptop, Sky+ HD, PSP, DSi etc. He loves a gadget. Anything that takes the effort out of doing, viewing, seeing his entertainment and invariably makes his life easier. He already has his eyes on the next range of TV's we will have to buy to fulfil his gadgetry needs.

I don't mind these items. It keeps him out of my way when I need to get on with stuff. I'm just not overwhelmed by them (until it comes to being able to function any of them when he is out of the house!)
I really am just not that kind of person. It broke my heart to actually purchase and use a sewing machine this year to undertake my sewing and mending jobs that I would love to have the time to do (meticulously) by hand. I just didn't have the time so I gave in.

I like old fashioned things. I like needlecraft's and reading and enjoy them far more than any of the various entertainment contraptions he has in the house. I like the piece and quiet of undertaking my hobbies and the immense satisfaction I get when I complete a project or book.

He just doesn't get it. He cannot understand why I wouldn't want a machine to read a book for me. He probably thinks that it will make his life easier as he won't have to store (yet more) books in his beloved "clean lined" house. I fear he just doesn't get me. Which leaves me reflecting on the way things were.

I like a little bit of homely clutter. If I had my own way (and a spare room!) I'd put bookshelves in there and a comfy chair with a knitting box and I would be in my element.

I wish he could understand the total enjoyment I get from reading a book. In the 5 years we have been together, he has only ever read one book (The DaVinci Code). It was a good book. I read it too. I also jumped on the opportunity to buy him the other 3 books Dan Brown had written at the time with a longing for him to reap the rewards of the written word too. He has never picked any of them up.

Have we really come to a point in society where a real book is dead unless it can be uploaded onto a gadget that will deteriorate our eyesight more so that reading an actual book?

Is it too much to expect the man in my life to know me well enough to appreciate my interests? Or even listen to me when I ask for a specific gift?

I am very happy with my man for the most part. He is my world and he gave me my 3 very beautiful children. I am now worrying with vigour how I gently explain to him my disappointment when the big day comes.

follow up to : Warning Explicit Content

On re-reading my last post, I feel a little like you may get the wrong idea about my intentions.

I am not being purely selfish in terms of dissatisfaction. The momentous "O" is not where sex always needs to end up.

I love my husband (more than he deserves sometimes) and that does not change as a result of our flagging fornication's.

I am simply immensely frustrated by our lack of passion. Or rather the ability to put passion into it!

Sex has always been a bit of a deal-breaker in previous relationships. With good sex often being the trigger for my not leaving bad relationships quick enough in the past.

I am unsure of how long a relationship/marriage can survive with lacklustre in the pleasure stakes? I'm also rather concerned that this might change my perspective of the man I have pledged to spend the rest of my life with.

Nobody has to read this, it's more like a journal entry..tbc.