I'm sorry I haven't been very chatty lately. I've had a lot on what with Christmas, work, hospitals, family dramas etc. so I thought I'd better clue you in on the latest.
To be honest, I'm not feeling so hot. I've had 2 LOOP procedures (where they use a searing hot loop of wire to cut away a cone biopsy of tissue/ affected cells) performed and I have had some complications.
The second procedure was "precautionary" and I am to undergo some further preventative treatment until I have the next smear test to determine if the cells have come back or multiplied or whatever. I am bleeding really heavily and when I am not, I may as well be. The worrying part of it all is that if my cells change or come back in May, there is no buffer zone. They have taken it all away and I don't know if it grows back or just scars where it is?
In short I have narrowly missed invasive cancer by 2.5mm. Not much is it.
The second procedure has disturbed my coil so this week I am finally having that removed too. It seems this method of contraception is no longer available to me, which is a shame as it was the only one that worked! Oh well.
Pregnancy is a big no no until I have 2 clear smears. Unprotected sex is also off the menu for 6 months but my libido has pretty much left the building.
As for my mental state, well, I've given up drinking. Drinking when in the wrong frame of mind just brings me further down. It's a depressant. And I'm pretty low as it is.
I have self prescribed an on-going course of st johns wort to keep me going. I don't want prescribed anti-depressants. Nor do I want nhs therapy. I kind of know where I want my mood to be and everyday I am battling to get there.
Some days are easier than others.
Having children already makes me feel very lucky and their innocent little faces are enough to keep me getting up everyday and working on to make their lives as happy as possible. With them I feel like I have purpose.
Insomnia had started to take hold though so I'm clinging on with what's left of my chewed-to-the-quick excuse for nails.
Bear with me.
Mrs Bean x