Even as I type this I am not entirely sure why I am compelled to revel this publically and publish this on my blog. I honestly feel that I cannot ACTUALLY hold this conversation with a real person.
Perhaps I just feel like I need to get this out of my head, in whatever form; speach, written word, whatever, in order that I may somehow make sense of what I am actually feeling and perhaps even get some feedback as to if I am the only one who feels this way.
Ok, here goes. Deep breath.
My relationship with my OH has always been on fastforward. Literally. We have been together for 5 years. We have been married for nearly 4 years. We have 3 children aged 4, 2 and 1.
Needless to say our sex life clearly hasn't ever been a problem.
It was during the act of carnal pleasure that I realised that perhaps things aren't as rosy as they once were between hubby and I.
For a while now I have been left feeling a little, how do we say, unsatisfied. There. I've said it. Phew. Glad that's over with.
Now for some explaination...
With 3 children all so young, close together and demanding of our time (which we give unquestionably), getting a chance to get down to business is tricky to say the least. Quite often we have to grab the chance whilst they are asleep and with my 1 year old still in our bedroom it really leaves little opportunity to experiment.
Let me give you the scenario;
One morning my husband wakes up and performs the usual ritual of despatching our children downstairs, putting the TV on to keep them entertained and giving them a snack and a drink before coming back up with a view to satisfying his urges. (Yep passion is dead from that point for me too.)
Pretty much as soon as he sneaks out of bed with the rudamentary "ssshhh, lets go downstairs kids" I am already well aware of what is on the cards. It has become our (his) foreplay! I lay and dread him coming back upstairs knowing that he hasn't got the idea of letting me have a lie-in in mind.
As soon as he pushes the door to, he is straight down to business. His pj bottoms are off as soon as the catch of the door touches. Then the heat is on for how quickly he can get mine off!
This seemed almost acceptable, grabbing the opportunity while we could, up until recently. One day I was suddenly overcome with the need to burst into tears and not from the pleasure he was trying (failing) to bestow on me, it would seem.
I actually felt really embarrased and made my excuses before leaving the room to tend to our (now) screaming child downstairs.
Don't get me wrong, child/tv noise is a huge passion killer! But it wasn't that which was on my mind.
I had realised that for the first time ever I would rather f*ck my vibrator than my husband! (I pray to god he never reads this!)
When did this happen? I find myself asking. And the truth is I am not sure. Our sex life has always been rather passionate and exciting. What changed?
Now I am no thereapist but I am pretty sure it could be a combination of a few things. The first being our little darlings. Not that we don't love them. We adore them. However, they are really all-consuming. We never get a chance to be ourselves and embrace being a couple any more as we are always wearing our mummy and daddy hats. The second being that there is always so little time to embrace anything remotely sexual we have lost the ability to be romantic, to make the other feel special. It's like our sex life is now on fast forward!
Nothing was said then or has been since. When did we gain the ability not to be able to talk about these things?
I really am not sure about how to put this right. I know there is fault on both sides and to be fair, I don't think laying the blame anywhere is going to help.
We have a problem. It has become the elephant in the room...