A bit of a catch up between friends.

Dear blog,

I'm sorry I haven't been very chatty lately. I've had a lot on what with Christmas, work, hospitals, family dramas etc. so I thought I'd better clue you in on the latest.

To be honest, I'm not feeling so hot. I've had 2 LOOP procedures (where they use a searing hot loop of wire to cut away a cone biopsy of tissue/ affected cells) performed and I have had some complications.

The second procedure was "precautionary" and I am to undergo some further preventative treatment until I have the next smear test to determine if the cells have come back or multiplied or whatever. I am bleeding really heavily and when I am not, I may as well be. The worrying part of it all is that if my cells change or come back in May, there is no buffer zone. They have taken it all away and I don't know if it grows back or just scars where it is?

In short I have narrowly missed invasive cancer by 2.5mm. Not much is it.

The second procedure has disturbed my coil so this week I am finally having that removed too. It seems this method of contraception is no longer available to me, which is a shame as it was the only one that worked! Oh well.

Pregnancy is a big no no until I have 2 clear smears. Unprotected sex is also off the menu for 6 months but my libido has pretty much left the building.

As for my mental state, well, I've given up drinking. Drinking when in the wrong frame of mind just brings me further down. It's a depressant. And I'm pretty low as it is.

I have self prescribed an on-going course of st johns wort to keep me going. I don't want prescribed anti-depressants. Nor do I want nhs therapy. I kind of know where I want my mood to be and everyday I am battling to get there.

Some days are easier than others.

Having children already makes me feel very lucky and their innocent little faces are enough to keep me getting up everyday and working on to make their lives as happy as possible. With them I feel like I have purpose.

Insomnia had started to take hold though so I'm clinging on with what's left of my chewed-to-the-quick excuse for nails.

Bear with me.

Mrs Bean x

Seeing things in black and white.

I've received my letter confirming my case is "severe".

I have a gynaecology appointment within the oncology dept (rather eery) booked for Friday 18th November 11 at 9.45am.

Seeing this all in black and white is a little haunting.

I have decided that at the first opportunity I will opt for a hysterectomy. I am categorically not allowed to fall pregnant while they investigate and I see no point in holding out for a baby I may never have when I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children already who need me here and I will push for the highest possible odds for being so!

I am starting to be realistic about the situation and have looked up my life insurance terms and conditions and made an appt to bequeath all my worldly possessions.

I sobbed my heart out in the shower last night.

My fear manifests, not from the possibility of dying but that of the possibility of not seeing my children grow up. Not seeing them become the amazing people I am working so hard to nurture. Of them feeling like they have not known me.

I have now told my Mum and Dad.

That was not easy.

They haven't really reacted which is typical of the emotional dysfunction I was brought up in and makes me want to fight even more to be here for my own children.

The friends of mine that know are asking what they can do and telling me they feel helpless. There's nothing anyone can do except wait.

The waiting game is afoot.