Seeing things in black and white.

I've received my letter confirming my case is "severe".

I have a gynaecology appointment within the oncology dept (rather eery) booked for Friday 18th November 11 at 9.45am.

Seeing this all in black and white is a little haunting.

I have decided that at the first opportunity I will opt for a hysterectomy. I am categorically not allowed to fall pregnant while they investigate and I see no point in holding out for a baby I may never have when I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children already who need me here and I will push for the highest possible odds for being so!

I am starting to be realistic about the situation and have looked up my life insurance terms and conditions and made an appt to bequeath all my worldly possessions.

I sobbed my heart out in the shower last night.

My fear manifests, not from the possibility of dying but that of the possibility of not seeing my children grow up. Not seeing them become the amazing people I am working so hard to nurture. Of them feeling like they have not known me.

I have now told my Mum and Dad.

That was not easy.

They haven't really reacted which is typical of the emotional dysfunction I was brought up in and makes me want to fight even more to be here for my own children.

The friends of mine that know are asking what they can do and telling me they feel helpless. There's nothing anyone can do except wait.

The waiting game is afoot.

To be or not? That is a question.

My life is suddenly taking a different course. Well, I say "suddenly" like I did not see this coming however I stand at a crossroads with no clue which way this roller coaster of life will take me. It is completely out of my control. It was but now it isn't.

A lot of you will remember a young, not so talented, reality tv star who became a household name for being a bit of a numpty and many of us (me included) really admired her as a person. Jade Goody (RIP) sadly lost her life to cervical cancer back in 2009.

I remember sitting crying for her poor children whilst I watched her deteriorate through the media.

Now I sit facing a similar trail of events and I am very frightened.