2011 has been a difficult year from the off. I am glad it is nearly over. It's not quite ending on the high I would like but a new year brings with it new hope. We have said farewell to some important people and welcomed newcomers into our lives, we have stayed strong for those that have needed us and leaned on those strong people around us when we have been weakened. "For better, for worse, in sickness or in health, for richer, for poorer" are all vows that have been tested personally or watched 3rd hand throughout. We have all come through the other end and new beginnings are upon us. So, new friends or old, distant or departed, a toast;
Happy New Year x
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Thursday, 22 December 2011
An hour in the park
We've just spent an hour in the park. Partly due to my needing to burn my beautiful darlings' energy off and partly to take advantage of a lovely crisp, sunny day in December.
The children ran around, swung their socks off and slid front ways, backwards and upside down the slide. The result of winter frolics? Dirty knees!
The children ran around, swung their socks off and slid front ways, backwards and upside down the slide. The result of winter frolics? Dirty knees!
Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
I feel I have been a good girl this year. I have kept to some of my new years resolutions and I have committed many selfless acts and I feel that the great cosmos has repaid me greatly for my generosity already.
As a family I think we have accomplished a lot and reaped the rewards of working very hard. I'm quite fortunate that I dont need anything this year. I will not freeze if I don't get a new coat, nor will I have no footwear if I do not get new boots.
Obviously there are always things that we think we need in our lives however, this year I am feeling very lucky to have what I already have. It's always nice to receive a gift of jewellery or perfume but this year I will not be asking for material objects.
This year, Santa, I feel I need a bit of Christmas magic. Not directly for me, but for my family. I know I will benefit from their happiness by default but I am asking that this year you put their needs before mine.
The things I would like some help with are:
*some help for T with his toileting. I feel any improvement in this will greatly improve his self esteem.
*please continue to assist him also with his literacy. He has had a slow and un-motivated start but he will get there.
*please help big J to stay 'dry'. He has done tremendously well since May. I know this is a daily struggle for him so please, please continue to guide him away from this evil.
*help J to stay calm and enjoy this family of ours. It's bloody hard work but the rewards are fantastic, even if he rarely sees them as he is working.
*please continue to let V blossom. She is already a remarkable little lady who I am in awe of everyday.
*as ever with little J, I am a little stumped in what to ask for, he is a wonderfully bright little boy and an amazing little person to be around. Perhaps guide him safely through the transition to school in September and help him settle in well.
And if you really must give me a gift; please remind me to count my blessings, every, single day. Give me patience, and allow me to show my children how much I love them and that they are my entire world. More time is something I will never have so please help me to make the best of the time I already have.
I think that's it. I'm not good at stuff like this, so I hope you won't mind the abrupt signing off. You see, I'm trying very hard to get out of this year as quickly as possible, as this is definitely the year that nearly broke me but I am still trying very hard.
I look forward to your visit on Christmas eve and I promise we will leave a clear route for the reindeer to guide them down. (it's edible this year too so they can refuel whilst you make your stop.) We will leave mince pies and a glass of milk as ever and we will toast you with lemonade at our Christmas meal.
Thank you for reading my letter and I shall sign off so you can start getting ready to check your nice list again. I hope I'm on it.
Yours
Danielle x
I feel I have been a good girl this year. I have kept to some of my new years resolutions and I have committed many selfless acts and I feel that the great cosmos has repaid me greatly for my generosity already.
As a family I think we have accomplished a lot and reaped the rewards of working very hard. I'm quite fortunate that I dont need anything this year. I will not freeze if I don't get a new coat, nor will I have no footwear if I do not get new boots.
Obviously there are always things that we think we need in our lives however, this year I am feeling very lucky to have what I already have. It's always nice to receive a gift of jewellery or perfume but this year I will not be asking for material objects.
This year, Santa, I feel I need a bit of Christmas magic. Not directly for me, but for my family. I know I will benefit from their happiness by default but I am asking that this year you put their needs before mine.
The things I would like some help with are:
*some help for T with his toileting. I feel any improvement in this will greatly improve his self esteem.
*please continue to assist him also with his literacy. He has had a slow and un-motivated start but he will get there.
*please help big J to stay 'dry'. He has done tremendously well since May. I know this is a daily struggle for him so please, please continue to guide him away from this evil.
*help J to stay calm and enjoy this family of ours. It's bloody hard work but the rewards are fantastic, even if he rarely sees them as he is working.
*please continue to let V blossom. She is already a remarkable little lady who I am in awe of everyday.
*as ever with little J, I am a little stumped in what to ask for, he is a wonderfully bright little boy and an amazing little person to be around. Perhaps guide him safely through the transition to school in September and help him settle in well.
And if you really must give me a gift; please remind me to count my blessings, every, single day. Give me patience, and allow me to show my children how much I love them and that they are my entire world. More time is something I will never have so please help me to make the best of the time I already have.
I think that's it. I'm not good at stuff like this, so I hope you won't mind the abrupt signing off. You see, I'm trying very hard to get out of this year as quickly as possible, as this is definitely the year that nearly broke me but I am still trying very hard.
I look forward to your visit on Christmas eve and I promise we will leave a clear route for the reindeer to guide them down. (it's edible this year too so they can refuel whilst you make your stop.) We will leave mince pies and a glass of milk as ever and we will toast you with lemonade at our Christmas meal.
Thank you for reading my letter and I shall sign off so you can start getting ready to check your nice list again. I hope I'm on it.
Yours
Danielle x
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Washing, washing, washing! Argh!!!
I don't know if there are many of you out there who would agree, but I seem to have a never ending pile of laundry. I know I have 3 small children and that as they get older the number of clothes required to get through a day/week ratio will eventually decrease, as it has since we have moved away from sicky babydom.
In light of the fact that my home is my workplace and that I work long hours every day Monday to Friday (minimum 11 hour days) and during this time it is unprofessional to have clothes drying on every available radiator, chair back etc. I have come to the conclusion that my wash pile may never end.
My washing machine is always on and of a weekend, I have 2 clothes horses air-drying and my tumble goes on at least once per day for towels/bedding etc. but it still is not enough. Especially during winter months when the option of drying outside is completely out of the question as everything comes in wetter than it went out (gotta love British weather!).
So.
Today whilst mooching around my local shop, picking up work bits and stocking up on stuff I know I'll use over Christmas I came across a really good deal on a portable, collapsable clothes drier. So I bought it.
A JML DriBUDDY is currently drying away in my kitchen and I have to say so far, I am impressed. It was really easy to put together (it did not require any 'man' help) and following the simple instructions has had me plugged in and off within 20 minutes. (Well, I did have to wait for the washing machine to finish.)
Merry Christmas to me!
I'm pleasantly surprised at the lack of noise. It is quieter than my tumble dryer, hoover and hair dryer! It also lacks in the pungent damp aroma that is normally generated from air-drying clothes indoors and the damp heavy feeling that the tumble dryer emits. I just think this is a fabulous laundry accessory to anyone than that needs to meet the never ending washing requirements of running a family or someone who has limited space or no room for a tumble dryer.
It drys really quickly too! I hung the maximum number of 18 garments inside and was quite surprised that after only 30 minutes of dry time they were very nearly completely dry.
At a retail price of £59.99 it is quite an investment but it IS cheaper than a cheap priced tumble dryer and it is far healthier than having damp clothes hanging around. It is also cheaper than the Lakeland option which comes in at £79.
I'm really glad I made the leap. No more will I be sitting there with my
hair drier on a Monday morning drying a shirt collar that hasn't quite dried on the airier or ramping the heating up to dry a pair of lined school shorts on the radiator that I forgot to dry in the tumble the night before. Instead I will pop my DriBUDDY up and stick the bits I need inside while I get on with making the children's breakfasts and pack lunches or maybe apply a spot of make up ready for my working day to begin.
What's more it is completely collapsible for easy storage. Bonus!
This post was completely unsponsored.
In light of the fact that my home is my workplace and that I work long hours every day Monday to Friday (minimum 11 hour days) and during this time it is unprofessional to have clothes drying on every available radiator, chair back etc. I have come to the conclusion that my wash pile may never end.
My washing machine is always on and of a weekend, I have 2 clothes horses air-drying and my tumble goes on at least once per day for towels/bedding etc. but it still is not enough. Especially during winter months when the option of drying outside is completely out of the question as everything comes in wetter than it went out (gotta love British weather!).
So.
Today whilst mooching around my local shop, picking up work bits and stocking up on stuff I know I'll use over Christmas I came across a really good deal on a portable, collapsable clothes drier. So I bought it.
A JML DriBUDDY is currently drying away in my kitchen and I have to say so far, I am impressed. It was really easy to put together (it did not require any 'man' help) and following the simple instructions has had me plugged in and off within 20 minutes. (Well, I did have to wait for the washing machine to finish.)
Merry Christmas to me!
I'm pleasantly surprised at the lack of noise. It is quieter than my tumble dryer, hoover and hair dryer! It also lacks in the pungent damp aroma that is normally generated from air-drying clothes indoors and the damp heavy feeling that the tumble dryer emits. I just think this is a fabulous laundry accessory to anyone than that needs to meet the never ending washing requirements of running a family or someone who has limited space or no room for a tumble dryer.
It drys really quickly too! I hung the maximum number of 18 garments inside and was quite surprised that after only 30 minutes of dry time they were very nearly completely dry.
At a retail price of £59.99 it is quite an investment but it IS cheaper than a cheap priced tumble dryer and it is far healthier than having damp clothes hanging around. It is also cheaper than the Lakeland option which comes in at £79.
I'm really glad I made the leap. No more will I be sitting there with my
hair drier on a Monday morning drying a shirt collar that hasn't quite dried on the airier or ramping the heating up to dry a pair of lined school shorts on the radiator that I forgot to dry in the tumble the night before. Instead I will pop my DriBUDDY up and stick the bits I need inside while I get on with making the children's breakfasts and pack lunches or maybe apply a spot of make up ready for my working day to begin.
What's more it is completely collapsible for easy storage. Bonus!
This post was completely unsponsored.
Monday, 12 December 2011
It is starting to feel a bit like Christmas
This post is about nothing but documenting my little family getting ready for the festivities and giving you all the chance to be a bit nosy!
I don't profess to be über mum and have everything purchased, wrapped, written and premade and frozen by the 1st week of advent. I am more of a dribs and drabs kind of mum.
Years gone by have taught me that the mad dash to buy everything following the last payday before Christmas day (usually Christmas eve) is not good for my health or my marriage!
So this year, I once again vow to be a little more organised and get everything ready early, ish.
I have to say I am rather proud of my efforts so far. I have purchased most if not all the gifts for the children, spent ages reorganising hidey-holes to put them so as not to ruin the illusion of the big red man, I have also bought some gifts for Mr Bean and there may even still be a surprise or two! The food, well apart from grabbing the odd BOGOF, I have ordered the turkey and I've made a cake.
However, there are (finally) some decorations up. We have even spent time making some!
And so the house is starting to feel a teensy bit Christmassy and the children's excitement can at last begin to build.
Oh and I have started to write the Christmas cards too.
I don't profess to be über mum and have everything purchased, wrapped, written and premade and frozen by the 1st week of advent. I am more of a dribs and drabs kind of mum.
Years gone by have taught me that the mad dash to buy everything following the last payday before Christmas day (usually Christmas eve) is not good for my health or my marriage!
So this year, I once again vow to be a little more organised and get everything ready early, ish.
I have to say I am rather proud of my efforts so far. I have purchased most if not all the gifts for the children, spent ages reorganising hidey-holes to put them so as not to ruin the illusion of the big red man, I have also bought some gifts for Mr Bean and there may even still be a surprise or two! The food, well apart from grabbing the odd BOGOF, I have ordered the turkey and I've made a cake.
However, there are (finally) some decorations up. We have even spent time making some!
And so the house is starting to feel a teensy bit Christmassy and the children's excitement can at last begin to build.
Oh and I have started to write the Christmas cards too.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Friday, 25 November 2011
Going through the process.
4 weeks ago, this Thursday I had my colposcopy done at my local NHS hospital.
It has taken me a while to be able to put this into words. I have felt sullied and violated to say the least.
Fortunately for me this hospital has a designated women's clinic however it's located next to the place where you have pregnancy scans which is a little insensitive if you ask me.
The day started pretty much ok. I slept very well the night before and Mr B and I woke up knowing we had the usual motions of getting up and taking big bean to school.
Surprisingly (considering I am a self confessed control freak) I was coping ok. My feelings about this process have been that, although I don't want it done, it has to be. I can't stick my head in the sand and ignore it or it *could* kill me. I knew it would be unpleasant, (I mean, who likes going for a smear?) but there is no other way for me to get round this other than to open myself up to the world of science. No matter how degrading to my personal space issues.
Mr B was a bit of a wreck. Not outwardly, but inwards. I could sense it, although he was clearly trying hard not to show it and be strong for me. The more he tried, the more conscious of the fact that the implications of today would affect not just me, but my whole family.
It seems quite a few people were unwittingly nervous on my behalf as I was constantly asked "are you ok?" or "how do you feel?" and I think some were irked at the fact my response was a consistent "I'm fine". Because I was fine. I was fine with the fact that this HAS to be done. I don't have a choice. Choices come later. Once we know the facts.
My brother in law turned up, as planned(!), at the time he was supposed to, to look after middle and littlun and I busied myself with getting ready.
Wear a skirt, bring a sanitary towel, don't forget letter, directions etc.
I felt a little awkward asking BIL not to give us a lift as I didn't want the children knowing what was happening or where I was going. I'll deal with that when or if I have to. They are too young to understand all this and I don't want them to know.
So we set off by public transport and arrived at the women's clinic. We were ushered off to a very sad waiting area. The purple "rooms" walls added to the sadness of this area. It wasn't quite a room, more a corridor and it was used frequently as a cut through. A section of no mans land which is emotionally where I felt. Apt.
The clinic was running late so the anticipation built. I was one of two women waiting for treatment and there was another lady who was waiting for someone.
There's only so many times you can avoid the surroundings of utility supply area, dirty utility (located next to the supply cupboard) and the disabled toilet. After 40 or so minutes a HCA came out of the room to my left and proceeded to get supplies etc to replenish the treatment rooms.
I began to get a bit concerned when she dropped a wrapped up pack of surgical equipment and the fear of god set in when she went off asking for help because she didn't know how to set the cryo up. I prayed and crossed everything that she would not be assisting in my procedure!! My silent prayers were obviously heard as the lady next to us was called into that room and then I realised I had in fact been holding my breath!
5 minutes or so later I was called into the treatment room that had been to our right and leaving my husband outside I took a few steps to my predetermined fate.
My colposcopy nurse was lovely. Tracey her name was and she was really kind.
We talked through the procedure and what would happen. She asked "if" she confirmed my diagnosis whether I would like her to perform treatment there and then or if I would require another appointment to have the procedure carried out. I said I'd rather have it done while I was there. Who'd want to put themselves through this again.
So now for the TMI: I got myself undressed from the waist down and positioned myself in the stirrups and the HCA readjusted me a few times before hitting the plunger that sent my head end down and my bottom end up, with hips thrust forward and legs splayed. (not unlike a very vulnerable sexual position. Only without the pillows and the fear if "fuck me, I hope he gets the right hole" *poor attempt at humour*)
At first it was all rather interesting as I was directed to watch the screen whilst the colposcopy camera was inserted, followed by the "dye" and thus having the treacherous areas of precancerous cells visually pointed out to me. Up until this point I was fine. This is exactly as I had expected it to be. Like an over-exaggerated smear that took 15 times as long to perform.
Tracey explained that "treatment" was necessary and confirmed that I was happy for to go ahead. I was, well not happy as such as at this point all my bravado and scientific interest swiftly disappeared.
Tracey explained that she would inject local anaesthetic to the area before performing the procedure.
I think this was possibly the worst part. Having injections inside your vagina is quite painful to say the least. Needless to say I was no longer interested in watching on the screen. I was concentrating very hard on staying REALLY STILL lest the bitch with the needle slip.
After a few minutes the numbness took hold and the HCA slapped an earthing kit to my leg. Freaked. Moi. NO (yes).
The treatment procedure was rather odd to say the least. There was a special hose attached to the top of the instrument and I was informed that this was to suck any fumes out. It didn't work.
Tracey took to removing my precancerous cells with a metal wire that basically cut them out by burning them. The hot wire is necessary to seal the area where the tissue is removed from. Thus removing 3 layers of precancerous tissue and a further "cone" biopsy of tissues whereby if they determine changes I would receive an invasive cancer diagnosis. It didn't hurt but you do have to remain really still and ignore the surge of adrenaline that volts through your body and sends your heart rate into orbit. The smell of burning flesh is quite harrowing but this was the only indication of what was being done.
The procedure took less than 20 minutes and I was helped up, left to get dressed and feeling quite lightheaded.
It was then explained that I would bleed for anything up to 6 weeks. The flow would change between 10-14 days as the burn scabs left my cervix. I must avoid tampons. I must not have sex for 6 weeks and then only afterwards with a condom for 6 months. I would receive a letter within 4-6 weeks detailing the next stage in the process.
I was then sent home to deal with the wearing off of anaesthetic, the labour like tummy cramps and a blood flow like no other I have experienced in the 19 years of menstral flow.
The good news was however, she managed to save my coil.
(W.T.F)
Thank you for reading
Mrs Beans x
It has taken me a while to be able to put this into words. I have felt sullied and violated to say the least.
Fortunately for me this hospital has a designated women's clinic however it's located next to the place where you have pregnancy scans which is a little insensitive if you ask me.
The day started pretty much ok. I slept very well the night before and Mr B and I woke up knowing we had the usual motions of getting up and taking big bean to school.
Surprisingly (considering I am a self confessed control freak) I was coping ok. My feelings about this process have been that, although I don't want it done, it has to be. I can't stick my head in the sand and ignore it or it *could* kill me. I knew it would be unpleasant, (I mean, who likes going for a smear?) but there is no other way for me to get round this other than to open myself up to the world of science. No matter how degrading to my personal space issues.
Mr B was a bit of a wreck. Not outwardly, but inwards. I could sense it, although he was clearly trying hard not to show it and be strong for me. The more he tried, the more conscious of the fact that the implications of today would affect not just me, but my whole family.
It seems quite a few people were unwittingly nervous on my behalf as I was constantly asked "are you ok?" or "how do you feel?" and I think some were irked at the fact my response was a consistent "I'm fine". Because I was fine. I was fine with the fact that this HAS to be done. I don't have a choice. Choices come later. Once we know the facts.
My brother in law turned up, as planned(!), at the time he was supposed to, to look after middle and littlun and I busied myself with getting ready.
Wear a skirt, bring a sanitary towel, don't forget letter, directions etc.
I felt a little awkward asking BIL not to give us a lift as I didn't want the children knowing what was happening or where I was going. I'll deal with that when or if I have to. They are too young to understand all this and I don't want them to know.
So we set off by public transport and arrived at the women's clinic. We were ushered off to a very sad waiting area. The purple "rooms" walls added to the sadness of this area. It wasn't quite a room, more a corridor and it was used frequently as a cut through. A section of no mans land which is emotionally where I felt. Apt.
The clinic was running late so the anticipation built. I was one of two women waiting for treatment and there was another lady who was waiting for someone.
There's only so many times you can avoid the surroundings of utility supply area, dirty utility (located next to the supply cupboard) and the disabled toilet. After 40 or so minutes a HCA came out of the room to my left and proceeded to get supplies etc to replenish the treatment rooms.
I began to get a bit concerned when she dropped a wrapped up pack of surgical equipment and the fear of god set in when she went off asking for help because she didn't know how to set the cryo up. I prayed and crossed everything that she would not be assisting in my procedure!! My silent prayers were obviously heard as the lady next to us was called into that room and then I realised I had in fact been holding my breath!
5 minutes or so later I was called into the treatment room that had been to our right and leaving my husband outside I took a few steps to my predetermined fate.
My colposcopy nurse was lovely. Tracey her name was and she was really kind.
We talked through the procedure and what would happen. She asked "if" she confirmed my diagnosis whether I would like her to perform treatment there and then or if I would require another appointment to have the procedure carried out. I said I'd rather have it done while I was there. Who'd want to put themselves through this again.
So now for the TMI: I got myself undressed from the waist down and positioned myself in the stirrups and the HCA readjusted me a few times before hitting the plunger that sent my head end down and my bottom end up, with hips thrust forward and legs splayed. (not unlike a very vulnerable sexual position. Only without the pillows and the fear if "fuck me, I hope he gets the right hole" *poor attempt at humour*)
At first it was all rather interesting as I was directed to watch the screen whilst the colposcopy camera was inserted, followed by the "dye" and thus having the treacherous areas of precancerous cells visually pointed out to me. Up until this point I was fine. This is exactly as I had expected it to be. Like an over-exaggerated smear that took 15 times as long to perform.
Tracey explained that "treatment" was necessary and confirmed that I was happy for to go ahead. I was, well not happy as such as at this point all my bravado and scientific interest swiftly disappeared.
Tracey explained that she would inject local anaesthetic to the area before performing the procedure.
I think this was possibly the worst part. Having injections inside your vagina is quite painful to say the least. Needless to say I was no longer interested in watching on the screen. I was concentrating very hard on staying REALLY STILL lest the bitch with the needle slip.
After a few minutes the numbness took hold and the HCA slapped an earthing kit to my leg. Freaked. Moi. NO (yes).
The treatment procedure was rather odd to say the least. There was a special hose attached to the top of the instrument and I was informed that this was to suck any fumes out. It didn't work.
Tracey took to removing my precancerous cells with a metal wire that basically cut them out by burning them. The hot wire is necessary to seal the area where the tissue is removed from. Thus removing 3 layers of precancerous tissue and a further "cone" biopsy of tissues whereby if they determine changes I would receive an invasive cancer diagnosis. It didn't hurt but you do have to remain really still and ignore the surge of adrenaline that volts through your body and sends your heart rate into orbit. The smell of burning flesh is quite harrowing but this was the only indication of what was being done.
The procedure took less than 20 minutes and I was helped up, left to get dressed and feeling quite lightheaded.
It was then explained that I would bleed for anything up to 6 weeks. The flow would change between 10-14 days as the burn scabs left my cervix. I must avoid tampons. I must not have sex for 6 weeks and then only afterwards with a condom for 6 months. I would receive a letter within 4-6 weeks detailing the next stage in the process.
I was then sent home to deal with the wearing off of anaesthetic, the labour like tummy cramps and a blood flow like no other I have experienced in the 19 years of menstral flow.
The good news was however, she managed to save my coil.
(W.T.F)
Thank you for reading
Mrs Beans x
Thursday, 17 November 2011
..
Today's the day. Feeling slightly apprehensive this morning. Slept surprisingly well. Loss of appetite yesterday though!!
Cba to motivate myself outta bed, but I gotta.
Will let you know how it went.
Cba to motivate myself outta bed, but I gotta.
Will let you know how it went.
Saturday, 12 November 2011
The list begins.
Have spent a lovely morning with the kiddies and took big bean to his swimming lesson. He's doing really well!
I think this will go on the list of things I'd like my family to achieve.
So far the list consists of:
Mr Bean must learn to drive.
The children should learn how to swim.
Teach them all how to ride a bike.
Teach them to love books and read for fun.
Make sure they learn how to share.
And have good manors.
Teach them how to love and respect each other unconditionally.
I'm sure I'll add many more things as time goes on!
X
I think this will go on the list of things I'd like my family to achieve.
So far the list consists of:
Mr Bean must learn to drive.
The children should learn how to swim.
Teach them all how to ride a bike.
Teach them to love books and read for fun.
Make sure they learn how to share.
And have good manors.
Teach them how to love and respect each other unconditionally.
I'm sure I'll add many more things as time goes on!
X
Friday, 11 November 2011
Cart before the horse?
Have received a new letter today detailing I will have an op next Thursday 17th.
This will precede my initial consultation which is booked for Friday 18th. Not sure if I'm pleased about that or not yet.
Everything's moving a bit quickly and I feel like I'm going in slow motion.
This will precede my initial consultation which is booked for Friday 18th. Not sure if I'm pleased about that or not yet.
Everything's moving a bit quickly and I feel like I'm going in slow motion.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Seeing things in black and white.
I've received my letter confirming my case is "severe".
I have a gynaecology appointment within the oncology dept (rather eery) booked for Friday 18th November 11 at 9.45am.
Seeing this all in black and white is a little haunting.
I have decided that at the first opportunity I will opt for a hysterectomy. I am categorically not allowed to fall pregnant while they investigate and I see no point in holding out for a baby I may never have when I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children already who need me here and I will push for the highest possible odds for being so!
I am starting to be realistic about the situation and have looked up my life insurance terms and conditions and made an appt to bequeath all my worldly possessions.
I sobbed my heart out in the shower last night.
My fear manifests, not from the possibility of dying but that of the possibility of not seeing my children grow up. Not seeing them become the amazing people I am working so hard to nurture. Of them feeling like they have not known me.
I have now told my Mum and Dad.
That was not easy.
They haven't really reacted which is typical of the emotional dysfunction I was brought up in and makes me want to fight even more to be here for my own children.
The friends of mine that know are asking what they can do and telling me they feel helpless. There's nothing anyone can do except wait.
The waiting game is afoot.
I have a gynaecology appointment within the oncology dept (rather eery) booked for Friday 18th November 11 at 9.45am.
Seeing this all in black and white is a little haunting.
I have decided that at the first opportunity I will opt for a hysterectomy. I am categorically not allowed to fall pregnant while they investigate and I see no point in holding out for a baby I may never have when I have been blessed with 3 beautiful children already who need me here and I will push for the highest possible odds for being so!
I am starting to be realistic about the situation and have looked up my life insurance terms and conditions and made an appt to bequeath all my worldly possessions.
I sobbed my heart out in the shower last night.
My fear manifests, not from the possibility of dying but that of the possibility of not seeing my children grow up. Not seeing them become the amazing people I am working so hard to nurture. Of them feeling like they have not known me.
I have now told my Mum and Dad.
That was not easy.
They haven't really reacted which is typical of the emotional dysfunction I was brought up in and makes me want to fight even more to be here for my own children.
The friends of mine that know are asking what they can do and telling me they feel helpless. There's nothing anyone can do except wait.
The waiting game is afoot.
Tuesday, 8 November 2011
To be or not? That is a question.
My life is suddenly taking a different course. Well, I say "suddenly" like I did not see this coming however I stand at a crossroads with no clue which way this roller coaster of life will take me. It is completely out of my control. It was but now it isn't.
A lot of you will remember a young, not so talented, reality tv star who became a household name for being a bit of a numpty and many of us (me included) really admired her as a person. Jade Goody (RIP) sadly lost her life to cervical cancer back in 2009.
I remember sitting crying for her poor children whilst I watched her deteriorate through the media.
Now I sit facing a similar trail of events and I am very frightened.
A lot of you will remember a young, not so talented, reality tv star who became a household name for being a bit of a numpty and many of us (me included) really admired her as a person. Jade Goody (RIP) sadly lost her life to cervical cancer back in 2009.
I remember sitting crying for her poor children whilst I watched her deteriorate through the media.
Now I sit facing a similar trail of events and I am very frightened.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
To Kindle or not to Kindle?
Ok, for any of you that have read my previous post Ghost of Christmas Past, I feel a follow up is definitely in order.
From that post it was clearly evident that I was pretty unimpressed with my husbands Christmas gift of choice for me and as I receive the first of my Christmas stock for this year it has inspired me to reflect on the gifts we gave and received last year.
Leading up to Christmas 2009, the 'e-Reader' was launched and my husband, the gadget FREAK, asked me if I would want one. My response was a flat "No".
For those of you that have not read my Ghost of Christmas Past article my reasons for the resounding were as follows;
I have used it. Well, I haven't just used it it has become my bedtime companion EVERY night. I am ashamed to say (based on my highly ungrateful and emotional reaction to the prospect of receiving it) that I love it. I cannot imagine my life without one.
Lets look at the pros
Having this versatile little contraption to hand has made a big difference in my life albeit very subtly and mostly without me noticing, but it has given me back time and more opportunity to indulge in a much loved hobby. It has also opened up availability of a lot of literature that I may have missed on my reading journey.
There you have it. I am converted. Long live the Kindle!
As a footnote, I would like to add that I have not effectively made use of the annotation or highlighting facilities which is why I have not included them in my review above.
I would also like to add that I have not been asked to review this product, it is something that I felt that I needed to share.
From that post it was clearly evident that I was pretty unimpressed with my husbands Christmas gift of choice for me and as I receive the first of my Christmas stock for this year it has inspired me to reflect on the gifts we gave and received last year.
Leading up to Christmas 2009, the 'e-Reader' was launched and my husband, the gadget FREAK, asked me if I would want one. My response was a flat "No".
For those of you that have not read my Ghost of Christmas Past article my reasons for the resounding were as follows;
- I'm a big book reader and I love a Book
- the touch
- smell
- sense of "how much have I read" or "how much is left"
- chapters
- page turning
- and perhaps the smallest of reasons, I get eye strain from reading on the PC/laptop/mobile phone.
I have used it. Well, I haven't just used it it has become my bedtime companion EVERY night. I am ashamed to say (based on my highly ungrateful and emotional reaction to the prospect of receiving it) that I love it. I cannot imagine my life without one.
Lets look at the pros
- Luckily for me, my husband thought ahead to the logistics of my reading in bed (the only time I get a chance to read anything), of a night and sussed that he would not like a light on for the duration so he bought me a lovely leather case with a light that is powered by the Kindle itself. The light can be pulled out to be on or tucked away when reading in daylight. I think the case with the little light was about £50, which is expensive BUT my case still looks new, it is REAL leather and of course there is the added wonder of the little light. There are obviously cheaper alternatives available.
- Added bonus of the case protecting the Kindle itself - although this does make it bulkier to carry around. (I am a mum though so small handbags are not my thing)
- The Whispernet. What an awesome invention! There is nothing more frustrating than sitting watching a loading screen waiting for a download to finish. Not being able to switch the device off until it is finished or just waiting in anticipation of the book, song, programme you are downloading. Amazon you have this sussed 'cos this is fast, effective and fan-bloomin-tastic. Everything is delivered in seconds from the Kindle store.
- Ah the Kindle store! Easy to navigate, easy to find what you are looking for and it's a clever little invention that links to your amazon account giving you access to recommendations and your wish list!
- Free eBooks. Now I couldn't talk about this wondrous little contraption without mentioning that (we all love something for nothing) that there is a whole wealth of literature that can be downloaded FREE. Yes, FREE. There is a whole list of books on a whole range of subjects that are FREE to anyone that wants them and there is a "Top 100" list of the most popular ones.
- Storage. It stores all your 'current reads' or 'want to reads' in one place. Bye bye to the pile of books down the side of my bed that gathers dust!
- Auto Switch Off. I often fall asleep when reading. It is the one thing guaranteed to send me into the land of nod when I am struggling with my insomniac tendencies and the blissful element of my Kindle is that it switched off after a period of non activity. A highly economical feature if you ask me. Time saving too as I don't have to wait to recharge everyday.
- Battery Life. I charge mine about once a week, if that. It largely depends how much I download or how long I read for. The battery lasts longer if you switch the wireless connection off after downloading a whole library of new reads (I can NEVER just download one book!)
- WiFi. This wonderful little library package is easily connected to WiFi. It disconnects when you want it to and reconnect pretty damn quickly.
- Size. I know I have touched on this above with the case and all, but when not in its protective case I genuinely could see this slipping into my handbag or briefcase on a daily commute. With its case, which is a must have for me as it gets chucked in the bottom of my changing bag and the light is invaluable, it is well protected and would last a long haul journey in a suitcase. Although quite why you would pack it and not read it on a flight I do not know.
- It is great for KIDS! I have a lot of children's classics (all of mine have been downloaded FREE) to hand all the time which I can call on to keep MissBean occupied while waiting for her brothers to do swimming lessons. I can also see that when BigBean is older and can read, I will buy him his own one to read to encourage this invaluable life skill.
- Finally and perhaps the most important point. I have read from this little baby for hours on end, when I am already tired, in bright sunlight and in the dark (with help from the book light) and I can honestly say I have never suffered from any kind of eye strain whatsoever! It is really easy to read from this screen and I applaud Amazon for their technological development to make this the case.
Having this versatile little contraption to hand has made a big difference in my life albeit very subtly and mostly without me noticing, but it has given me back time and more opportunity to indulge in a much loved hobby. It has also opened up availability of a lot of literature that I may have missed on my reading journey.
There you have it. I am converted. Long live the Kindle!
I would also like to add that I have not been asked to review this product, it is something that I felt that I needed to share.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Lunch 4th Aug 2011
Estranged Husband "I can't believe there is nothing for me to eat and you need to borrow my card to go shopping for food"
Me "Well the clue was in what you just said and your standing order hasn't hit my account yet"
Husband "don't worry about me I'm just moaning cos I'm hungry"
Me *does scout around on the 'net to find anything that he can have for lunch and be delivered. Find nowt* "Tell you what, I was gonna head to seaside or science museum today, what time do you normally go to lunch? We'll come and meet you and me and the kids can do London today"
His silence speaks volumes....
Me "Well the clue was in what you just said and your standing order hasn't hit my account yet"
Husband "don't worry about me I'm just moaning cos I'm hungry"
Me *does scout around on the 'net to find anything that he can have for lunch and be delivered. Find nowt* "Tell you what, I was gonna head to seaside or science museum today, what time do you normally go to lunch? We'll come and meet you and me and the kids can do London today"
His silence speaks volumes....
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Summer Hols - I'm surviving are you?
I have to say the fear of god was upon me when I realised the week before the end of term that the summer holidays would be upon me in a flash. What with the final week consisting of non stop 'events' at school and preschool I was more than aware that I needed to get my bum in gear and arrange something (anything) for the kids to do over the 6 (7) weeks summer holidays. Last year was bearable, this year would be HELL ON EARTH with 4yo in full time school and 3yo in preschool, well not in their respective establishments!
SO, I started to investigate. Then I reeled at the cost of every blooming summer holiday activity available through our local district council and I opted for a more frugal (yes you may read 'cheap') alternative.
Thats not to say that I haven't paid for anything, however I am sticking to the adult pays and the kids go free options.
Week 1 was a success with a trip to RHS gardens (£7.50 for me, kids under 5 go free), a picnic in the woods, going to play rangers (free day out ran by council!), joining the circus stars at the library and even some school work!
The library was a resounding success and the 4yo is quite excited to borrow a book (shame I can't get him to read it. Still I have another 5 weeks to work on that!)
I will keep you posted as the weeks go by and hopefully might offer some inspiration to someone else along the way.
SO, I started to investigate. Then I reeled at the cost of every blooming summer holiday activity available through our local district council and I opted for a more frugal (yes you may read 'cheap') alternative.
Thats not to say that I haven't paid for anything, however I am sticking to the adult pays and the kids go free options.
Week 1 was a success with a trip to RHS gardens (£7.50 for me, kids under 5 go free), a picnic in the woods, going to play rangers (free day out ran by council!), joining the circus stars at the library and even some school work!
The library was a resounding success and the 4yo is quite excited to borrow a book (shame I can't get him to read it. Still I have another 5 weeks to work on that!)
I will keep you posted as the weeks go by and hopefully might offer some inspiration to someone else along the way.
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
This year I will be mostly giving up my husband for Lent
As a Catholic I am, as ever, readily prepared for the celebration of Jesus sacrifice on the cross this Easter time.
I have spent years trying to emphasise to Mr Bean the importance of certain religious celebrations and the personal impact these have on me albeit for very small lengths of time in comparison. These impacts are mostly centred around attending mass (especially on the important days themselves), teaching our children the real meanings of Christmas and Easter and not just throwing gifts and chocolate eggs at them in an effort to turn them into spoilt, sugar overdosed, expectant little arseholes.
So far so good yea?
In my efforts, I have encouraged Mr Bean (not catholic, baptised CofE but very non practising) towards decisions of baptising our children into the Catholic faith. The pros have gone along the lines of teaching our children christian morals; which we both believe in, enrolling them into the (quite large) catholic community in our local area, sending them to the school at the bottom of our road (which is a catholic school, is walkable from my home and just so happens to have a very good ofsted report) and in the least part, satisfying my family who are devout.
Now I am not a devout catholic. Far from it. I am a divorcee now remarried to start with.
I have faith, but I do not believe in all the contradictions or the self-flagellation. My belief is not of consequence here. This is not a religious rant and I hope won't open endless religious debate as these can often be messy, argumentative and, to be honest, they start wars!
Anyway, back to the subject in question. Lent. Not my favourite time of year I must admit. Celebrating the brutal murder of anyone is quite harrowing to say the least. I try and focus on the more positive elements of the christian tradition and "the light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak.
Oh and 'll also be giving up my husband, who has Call of Duty Black Ops who this evening told me to "hurry up and watch EastEnders, as (his work colleague) is only online til 9 o'clock and then he can't play cos his GF's coming over"
Not really much of a hardship that one (if he's going to speak to me like that!) but sacrifice I must!
Other things I am giving up include:
I have spent years trying to emphasise to Mr Bean the importance of certain religious celebrations and the personal impact these have on me albeit for very small lengths of time in comparison. These impacts are mostly centred around attending mass (especially on the important days themselves), teaching our children the real meanings of Christmas and Easter and not just throwing gifts and chocolate eggs at them in an effort to turn them into spoilt, sugar overdosed, expectant little arseholes.
So far so good yea?
In my efforts, I have encouraged Mr Bean (not catholic, baptised CofE but very non practising) towards decisions of baptising our children into the Catholic faith. The pros have gone along the lines of teaching our children christian morals; which we both believe in, enrolling them into the (quite large) catholic community in our local area, sending them to the school at the bottom of our road (which is a catholic school, is walkable from my home and just so happens to have a very good ofsted report) and in the least part, satisfying my family who are devout.
Now I am not a devout catholic. Far from it. I am a divorcee now remarried to start with.
I have faith, but I do not believe in all the contradictions or the self-flagellation. My belief is not of consequence here. This is not a religious rant and I hope won't open endless religious debate as these can often be messy, argumentative and, to be honest, they start wars!
Anyway, back to the subject in question. Lent. Not my favourite time of year I must admit. Celebrating the brutal murder of anyone is quite harrowing to say the least. I try and focus on the more positive elements of the christian tradition and "the light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak.
- prayer (justice towards God),
- fasting (justice towards self),
- and almsgiving (justice towards neighbour).
Oh and 'll also be giving up my husband, who has Call of Duty Black Ops who this evening told me to "hurry up and watch EastEnders, as (his work colleague) is only online til 9 o'clock and then he can't play cos his GF's coming over"
Not really much of a hardship that one (if he's going to speak to me like that!) but sacrifice I must!
Other things I am giving up include:
- trying to lose weight
- my gym membership
- and shouting from one area of the house to another (the children are encouraged to try this also)
Monday, 7 March 2011
Too Nice?
I am truly beginning to wonder if there is such a thing as being too nice. I mean, is there a fine line of niceness that gets crossed and you start to seriously offend people?
As most of you know I am a busy mum of 3. I run 3 small businesses. I have a home to maintain as well as a multitude of pets to look after. Yet, I still volunteer to help charities. I find time in my hectic life to try and help others who are less fortunate than I or who just really need the help (like one of the charity's whose committee board I have sat on for the last 2 years).
Recently, it has been noticed that I am receiving the cold shoulder from more than one person it seems and from more than one avenue.
To give you a scenario, I have noticed other mum's deliberately ignoring me, be it in person in the collection area at school or online in the various social networking arenas.
Most recently members of the charity that I assist by being their Treasurer have started to act really hostile towards me.
I really hope I am being paranoid and not totally blind and having missed something but I don't understand what the problem is? I have always been nothing but nice, I haven't bitched in their presence and I have gone above and beyond to help these people out. So why am I at the butt of all the snidey comments, shitty emails and dirty looks all of a sudden.
This pattern seems to have followed a slight trend throughout my life. At school it was the same, kids would be my friend one day and then hate me the next, spread nasty rumours about me and gossip about me behind my back. I seem to have fought this battle for the whole of my forever.
Don't get me wrong. I am not perfect. I do bitch (mainly about my husband, but then so does everyone), I don't gossip, I keep my friends secrets, I work really hard at being the best I possibly can at whatever it is that I am trying to achieve. I work, live, breathe and love my children as they are my biggest success story and my legacy. I never ask for thanks for anything I do or any assistance that I give. I am always the friend that is there in times of need. I listen and advise but only if people want it. I help out as much as I can with anything anyone asks of me and I try not to be selfish. The one thing I totally crap at is being a domestic goddess (I am notoriously rubbish with housework) but I do my best and to be honest the only person this offends is my "son of a control freak" husband.
I really try my hardest to live my life with an attitude of treating others how I wish to be treated. By simply being nice.
As I approach my 30th birthday this year, (a milestone for me but not necessarily for others,) I find myself questioning who I actually am. Why is it that I get treated so appallingly for trying to be a good person?
The only conclusion I can find is that I am just too nice. Would you agree? Does anyone else out there experience life like I seem to? Am I just being paranoid? What can I do to change this pattern?
As most of you know I am a busy mum of 3. I run 3 small businesses. I have a home to maintain as well as a multitude of pets to look after. Yet, I still volunteer to help charities. I find time in my hectic life to try and help others who are less fortunate than I or who just really need the help (like one of the charity's whose committee board I have sat on for the last 2 years).
Recently, it has been noticed that I am receiving the cold shoulder from more than one person it seems and from more than one avenue.
To give you a scenario, I have noticed other mum's deliberately ignoring me, be it in person in the collection area at school or online in the various social networking arenas.
Most recently members of the charity that I assist by being their Treasurer have started to act really hostile towards me.
I really hope I am being paranoid and not totally blind and having missed something but I don't understand what the problem is? I have always been nothing but nice, I haven't bitched in their presence and I have gone above and beyond to help these people out. So why am I at the butt of all the snidey comments, shitty emails and dirty looks all of a sudden.
This pattern seems to have followed a slight trend throughout my life. At school it was the same, kids would be my friend one day and then hate me the next, spread nasty rumours about me and gossip about me behind my back. I seem to have fought this battle for the whole of my forever.
Don't get me wrong. I am not perfect. I do bitch (mainly about my husband, but then so does everyone), I don't gossip, I keep my friends secrets, I work really hard at being the best I possibly can at whatever it is that I am trying to achieve. I work, live, breathe and love my children as they are my biggest success story and my legacy. I never ask for thanks for anything I do or any assistance that I give. I am always the friend that is there in times of need. I listen and advise but only if people want it. I help out as much as I can with anything anyone asks of me and I try not to be selfish. The one thing I totally crap at is being a domestic goddess (I am notoriously rubbish with housework) but I do my best and to be honest the only person this offends is my "son of a control freak" husband.
I really try my hardest to live my life with an attitude of treating others how I wish to be treated. By simply being nice.
As I approach my 30th birthday this year, (a milestone for me but not necessarily for others,) I find myself questioning who I actually am. Why is it that I get treated so appallingly for trying to be a good person?
The only conclusion I can find is that I am just too nice. Would you agree? Does anyone else out there experience life like I seem to? Am I just being paranoid? What can I do to change this pattern?
